Umm... Where to start? After watching the Women gymnast Olympic game, btw Nastia Liukin won the Gold medal for USA, I got insanely BORED mixed with a very depressing and emotional day that i had earlier, so i guess i'll join my fellow bloggers to start pumping out thoughts on my head, instead of venting it over and over at my friends.
Earlier this month, i had invited a friend from Taipei to stay with me for a month, he picked Chicago to be his summer vacation. I met Rob from an online gay website back in March while i was still vacation in Vietnam, we chatted a couple of times online, and got along very well. However, i didn't know Rob that well, our conversations mostly "hello" or "how's school/work" and yet, for some reason, i was really drawn into him. I guess you can say i like him. After found out that he will be in Chicago for vacation, i thought this would be a great chance for me to get to know someone i like better in person. Rob asked me to helped him checked out hotels and hostel where he can possible stay while he's in Chicago, and since I'm from Chicago, i was gladly offered to help. When I reported back to Rob about the hostel he had picked out for his stay in Chicago, it seem like it was kinda over the budget that he wishes to spend. I don't know what got into me @ that moment, without hesitation, i offered him to stay @ my place.
What was i thinking??? i have never met this kid before, i don't know anything about him, and yet I'm willing to share my personal space with a total stranger. I had friends, lovers stayed over at my place before, but often not longer than just a weekend. I'm not in love with this person, I'm not even sure what i want from this person, all i know is i really LIKE him, maybe because of his smile? because we connected online for the past few months we been chatting? or because i was so interested in his personal life? i don't know, but my instinct told me that i want to be friend with him and closer to him? or is it because i was LONELY?
Rob stay @ my place since July 29th, from the moment i picked him up @ O'hare airport, i don't know why i had this instinct to protect him from harm, or is that i just don't want to share him to anyone else? The 1st week Rob was at my place, i tried everything to make sure he's comfortable, and also reassured him that he feel free to do anything he want or please. Everyday, i tried to make sure he's entertained, i was so happy just to join him for a walk downtown, showing him Grant Park, Magnificent mile, Chicago's river and other touristy places. Those are things i wanted to show him. I didn't even bothered to asked him if he wanted to do anything by himself, i guess i was being overly involved. I cooked for him, I cleaned for him, i even make sure he know which coffee shop to go where he can write his blog/journal (that's his hobby).
The 2nd week of August was Market Days, which is a 3 days street festival in Lake View aka boystown. i also had 3 other friends from NYC and Philly to visit me that weekend. 1 more friend from Kansas (Chris) supposed to stay with me for Market day, but because of his indecisiveness of where he wanted to stay, me and Chris got into a little drama of our own, and I decided it's better that Chris not staying with me, and i haven't spoke to him since. It was my choice to not waste any more time with Chris.
I had spent a lot of money and preparation for the arrival of my friends, i don't really want to prove anything but just wanted my friends to enjoy their stay with me. i did what everyone wanted to do, however, it can get tiring and draining on me since everyone else is having their fun, and yet no one wanted to do what i want to do. for that reason, Rob and I had a misunderstanding, but i decided not to say anything to him while he's still having a great time with my friends. so i decided to give him the silent treatment.
Monday was when all my friends had left, Noe, Rob and I went to see Batman's the Dark Knight, yet i'm still giving Rob the silent treatment.
Finally on Tuesday, we had our talk, making amend, and trying to be friend again. I really hate drama, cause it drawn so much out of me, and i hate to make myself or anyone unhappy. to me that just take more out of me than putting on a smiley face. Yet drama always follow me, and it undoubtedly will be part of me, what can i say, i'm gay!
Wednesday night, the big DRAMA unfold! after doing our laundry, i was in a playful mood with Rob, and for the first time since he was here, i actually cuddled him, although i can feel that he was very uneasy with it, and as if i was forcing him to cuddle with me. However, when we were watching "I'm Legend" he clenched my hand during those "scary" moments like a little girl, for some reason, i felt so good that I'm some what being wanted right there in that moment. After finished the movie, we both went online to do our own thing, he was blogging in the dining room, i was checking out stuff online in my bedroom, that's when i stumble onto his blog, it was all in Chinese.
My nature as a curious cat, i was looking and checking out his blog, although i don't read much Chinese, but i did stumble on a couple of blogs where he had mention my roommate Noe, and my other friends from NYC and Philly. I was NO WHERE in his blog. Since the day he arrived here until now, i was NEVER ever mentioned ONCE in his blog, not even a name of mine, yet on the blog dated 8/12/2008 i had a hunched that is not gonna be good thing, because it has a password lock on it.
After playing around with his blog and got some friends to translate what he wrote on that blog, now i know how Rob felt about me the the past 17 days that he lived with me.
Annoying
Fake
Needy
Busybody
Bothersome
Who the fuck am i to tell him what to do?
Nosy
And yet those words doesn't bothered me as much, the thing that bothered me the most is the TRUST i had for him, i trusted him enough to let him into my house, i trusted him enough to let him keep the key to the safe, i trusted him in our conversations that we had about how if we have a misunderstanding again, we should talked it out to each other. Yet he betrayed my trust in him, instead of telling me what he really felt about me, he blog it on there, bitching about me on the blog, painting me to be this monster jerk.
I NEVER asked Rob to thanks me for the things i did for him, i only asked that him, a college educated person, whom i assumed is a very smart guy, have some what of an understanding on how to be courteous and have a common decency to people who cared about him. THAT WAS ALL i'm asking from him.
To me, friendship is a 2 ways street, regardless of what my intended or motive, i will always considered Rob as a friend. That was why i did those things for him, wanted to get involved with his activities while he's vacation in Chicago, which he considered my involvement as annoying. However, i can't just give give give and don't get anything back in return. I'm not asking for $$$, i'm not asking for his sexual acts, all i'm asking for is his kindness, care and genuine friendship, even if that's 1/3 of what he willing to put out, i'm still happy with that. If I'm this big of a jerk, then where was his friends, which he has 2 high school friends that lives here in Chicago, to pick him up from the airport? where was his friends to let him lodge at their place? where was his friends to drove him around town, showing him all the places that he considered to be boring? where was his friends who willingly cook and clean for him? I did not see any of them did that for him for the duration that he stayed here but me.
After confronting him with the blog he wrote about me, i just break down. I couldn't take it anymore, it was like the final straw that break the camel's back. Even knew i promised Rob that he can stay at my place for a whole month, and i usually kept my promises that i made, i couldn't bring myself to be in the same room with someone who i considered as friend, and yet to him, i'm nothing but a nuisance.
August 14th, Rob and I was in the exact same out fit that i picked him up at the airport, i drove Rob to Union Station, as i drop him off, my car stereo system was playing One Republic's "Too late to Apologize"
Would that be the end of our friendship???
I'm an Optimistic that time will heal, but will it???
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