Celebrating my mom 49th b-day

It's my mom birthday today, but we didn't have any huge celebration, just a small dinner that i cooked up, Vietnamese Seafood Udon noodle aka Banh Canh Cua. Simple, yet effective, cause we over ate again, at 11pm, just right after my meatloaf dinner! while watching Hong Kong TVB's tv drama over the internet. hahaha

Getting my fav. job back!

Oct. 8th! yeah baby!

Damn old FARTS!

I had a mixed day on Sunday, it started out good, having brunch @ Mini/Wine Bar, bloody expensive! Brunch for you cost about $45 buck! i had the Japanese Wagu corn beef with poached egg, my friend Angel had the smoke salmon. Everything was peachy, showing him around town, then BAM, my car lightly bumped into this old couple car, i can not see any dent or scratches, but yet they said they their paint job is original, and it look like it has been scratched. His wife come out of the car, i asked her if she's ok, she kept shaking her head and said, "oh, my neck hurt, my neck hurt" i asked her again, she said she's "OK", but "You'll never know if it's hurting later" i was like WTF!!! i can smell a bunch of old fart scammers trying to squeeze money out of my insurance and i can see that my car insurance gonna go up right there!!! People are so fucking lame! i meant, i had people bumped my car before, but if i was ok, and i didn't see that much of a scratch or damage, i usually let them go. if i know they were trying to pull that shit, i could at least put a nice dent to their old ass fucking PT Cruiser! i hate fucking asses!

A lot to be thankful for!

When i thought that I'm about to run into a dead end, just in a nick of time, a new path has open up for me. Sometime things just start to happen for a reason that it's kinda weird to explain...

i started my new job this week at a salon down town, i haven't been working since summer, so naturally, i been so lazy that the thought of going back to work is something i do not enjoy! yet strangely, i do enjoy working here! The owners are the most lay back couple i have ever work for! i didn't have to do much, even when i'm actually working, they even rushed me thru the job, telling me to hurry up and don't pamper the customer! During down times, i get to read PLAY BOY magazines, now tell me if you can do that at ur job? hahaha... i love it!

Let's hope i'll last for the next 11 weeks of hard work before i'm in Asia again!

Cheap *ss Chienne!

Excusez-moi, mais qui pensez-vous que vous êtes?

Oui, who the fuck do you think you're?  I love making friends from all over the worlds, and i'm very fortunate to have met incredibly KIND, GENEROUS, FUN, and GENUINE people that i come in contacts with. 

But i can't always count on the good things and ignored those bad, spoiled, rotten apples that got mixed in my bag once in a while by mistake. Out side it look nice and shiny, but one bite, and you'll taste the poisonous juice that squirted out from the core, and the lingering after taste is not that easy to forget or go away! 

Why does some guys, especially narcissistic flaming TRANNY MESS faggots had to put up such a fake facade, USED people who think of them as friends, get whatever the fuck they wanted from their friends, and has the audacity to put up that all HIGH and MIGHTY bullshits?  When deep down inside, they know that they're one cheap ass mofo that no one want to hang out with, so they have to fool other people that they have the shit?  

other word, i HATE F*CKING USER CHEAP ASS BITCHES

Spare me the sparkles bitches, didn't you know that "Glitters" by Mariah is in the fucking dumpster? hahaha...

I thought i had to get this off my man's boobs, sometime i have to be a bitch to scratch the shitty gunk out of your eyes so you can see and treat your friends a bit better.

Lost!!!!

I'm so lost right now!!! As Chicago is getting colder, I'm already planning ahead what and where i'll be going in the coming months, they're all achievable IF i have extra MONEY!!! I have two destinations in my itineraries that i want to visit, Taipei and Ho Chi Minh city, but with the tourist Visa complications i'm having right now, just make it more difficult to plan and save money! To get a visa exemption from Vietnam, i have to have proper documents showing that i was born in VN, however, i'm a US citizen now, so my mom destroyed all those damn papers! making it almost impossible for me to get thing done. For Taiwan tourist Visa, the person working at the Taiwanese consulate asked me to have a itinerary for the trip to Taipei before they granting me a 2 months Visa, although i told her i want to stay for 3 months, she was saying something about I have to fly to HK, making it even more confusing for me. Plus...i can't get the damn itinerary until i know if i'm still going to Vietnam with my mom, making it a hair pulling experience for me, cause i felt like i'm chasing my own tail, don't know which i should do first!!! On top of that, all the major airlines now charging extra fee, plus any price different if i plan on changing my returning portion of my ticket! Damn those airlines trying to squeeze every pennies out of me! what to do!!! what to do!! i need to prioritize!!! and YES, i have to learn Mandarin if i plan on staying for a long visit in Taiwan! urgh!!!!!!!!!! my life is a damn DRAMA!!!!

who are your real friends?

I was chatting with an online friend from NYC tonight, which i have not chatted with him for over a month.  As we were talking, I found out that he just moved back to Taipei! How EXCITING!!! I bet after living in NYC for the past two years, he has had enough!  I don't blame him for it, i visited NYC for July 4th weekend this year, and frankly, i didn't enjoy the city as much as i thought. We went on and on to chat about Taipei, and why i should moved there and so on. 

I been contemplating of moving to Asia, getting a fresh start in my career and my personal life after i revisited Vietnam back in Oct. of 2007.  When i was in Vietnam, i also visited Taipei for the 1st time at the end of January of this year, a good friend persuaded me to give Taipei a try, and I instantly felt in love with Taipei.  Something about being in Asia, I don't know if it was the people, the food, the night life in Asia, or I just got sick of being in the cold, windy winter of Chicago's for almost 20 years.  I JUST WANT TO BE IN ASIA. anywhere but here during the long bitterly winter. 

My NYC's friend has offered to help me out if I'm planning on moving to Taipei, he even ENCOURAGED me to move there! which i thought it was like WOW!  After all, I'm a complete stranger to him, we have never met in person. That was the nicest gesture, which was kind of unexpected.  I THANKS him, saying that he doesn't have to do that, but he replied "I AM YOUR FRIEND".  YET I HAVE NEVER MET HIM IN PERSON.  While chatting with him, i was having another online conversation with my other friend from Hong Kong, which i had been friend with since Dec. 2007, and we also met up in Vietnam for a whole week when i was there.  I got a bit carried away with the thought of living in Asia, and i was trying to keep my options open for the possible cities i want to live in beside Taipei and Ho Chi Minh city. So i casually asked him if he can host me and help me out with housing if i decided to come to Hong Kong instead.  He said NO. This is the guy who supposedly LOVE me, wanted to marry me, he even proposed! BUT I NEVER ACCEPTED his proposal, cause i think it was kinda bogus!  

I'm slowly realizing that behind someone good deeds, are there an attachment to it? When i did a good deeds for someone like a friend, the only thing i expected out of that is a better bonding, a better relationship with the person i considered as a friend. I guess i do not want to be OLD and LONELY by myself. I'm human, and that's my insecurity.  SO I NEVER considered my self as an exception. But to other people, like that guy from Hong Kong, which i no longer considered as a friend, because he always looked down on me, the only time he look up to me if when i FUCKED him, which WILL NEVER EVER HAPPENED again. Whenever he did a good deed for me, I'm expected to return a a favor for him, like having sex with him, what am i? a whore??? the last time we chat, he was going to fly me to Hong Kong, but with a condition, i have to sleep with him, which i said NO!  it's so disappointing for me to realized that when i considered someone as a friend, or closed friend, all they want to from me, or think of me are just SEX SEX SEX. Or when i open my door to host a complete stranger from 1/2 way around the world like Taipei, all he think of me is that i wanted SEX from him. What the F*CK??? 

I'm not saying i'm above those guys, but there are places and times, if things are fall into place, and if the moment is right, it will HAPPEN! but if it's not, that's OK too! why does guys have to use sex as a leverage for everything? and scarified a good friendship? 

conveniently enough, my friend from Philly asked me if i'm feeling like hosting another guy named Rob, who just moved here from oversea, and need someone to show him around Chicago. So i told him flatly: i need a break from being too friendly to people, otherwise they think i wanted sex from them! hahaha

Summer of 2008

Today is September 2nd, 2008, to most Chicagoans, it's an official end to our summer. Labor day weekend for me usually go out with a BANG! every years for the past 3 years, my roommates and I used to throw a big summer party, we invited at least 60 or 70 of people we called friends over to our house for food, drinks and say good bye to our great summer.

This year, nothing! no party, no celebration of any kind. the bleakest summer i ever had, and it was a short one too! 

Am i complaining too much or is it because i'm getting older, and the same thing i used to enjoyed is not as fun anymore. Do you know what i did for this Labor day weekend? I SLEPT!!!  I got invited to go to a b-b-q at a friend house, supposedly went clubbing, i did none of those. 

The start of this summer, although it was a short one, i was hoping for a great summer like i used to had, Gay pride in June, go to Six Flags in July, and of course Market days in August. I was so excited that i made a bunch of new friends, all from far away though, and one from Chicago. I was hoping to have a great summer and shared good times with friends that has never visit this great city during the summer time. All of my anticipations turn out to be mediocre.  My good intentions were down the toilet.  I was trying to hard to pleased everyone else, make sure my friends all had a good time, in turn it got back fired.  Plus drama with an old friend, made this summer the worst to swallow. 

Now all of my friends or what not are gone, back to their daily routines. I'm left all alone again till next summer? Let's hope i get a better summer next year.

When I Grow up

"When I was just a little boy,

I asked my Mama: Mama, What will I be?

Will I be pretty with a big bootay?

Will I be the gayest with the bitchiest attitude?

or Will I be old and still act like a lil Shanequa down the block?

And here was her replied,

'No' to pretty and big bootay, you'll be an old hag.

'Yes' to the gayest and bitchiest

and 'YES' to the old and Shanequa thing."

Hahaha... Sorry for butchering up that "Que Sara, Sara" song, I was watching TV and there was a commercial for Panasonic plasma tv, and they were using that song, so it was stuck in my head all day. I had to come up with something funny to killed that damn song in my head, other wise it will stuck in repeat on my head until i blogged it on here! 

Which brought me to the next subject, when will I GROW UP??? 

Does the age of a person really have something to do with being a GROW UP???

I just turned 30 this year, and a BIG THANKS, or should i said slaps in my face from a certain person i ONCE CONSIDERED as CLOSED FRIEND, thinks that I'm pathetic for being a 30 years old and should acted my age. 

Then how do a 20's something years old should act for their age?

How do a 30's something years old like myself should act for my age?

How do a 40's something years old should act? and so on...

I never hide the fact that I'm 30 years old and acted like a child from times to times. However, in my defend, i do know when to do the GROWN UP things when dealing with others that cared a great deal.  Being a GROWN UP doesn't have to be with a particular age's group, i had seen guys in their TEENS acted very mature.  Being mature doesn't mean that you have to acted all stiffed, and lay down the laws, NO mean NO kinda things. 

Being a Grown up can means other things to me, such as:

Have some common decencies toward the people you called as friends

Don't take advantages of your friend's kindness and hospitality

Be NICE to your friends, they may not be the best @ the thing you do, but they'll make it up in other ways, that's why we all have friends! duh!

Have a basic etiquette when interact with friends and people you cared about. If your friend took a taxi to the airport to pick your ass up in a strange city, make sure you paid him back for or at least paid for dinner. 

And genuinely cared about your friends, be kinds to them, because friends are hard to find, and GOOD friends who give a shit about are HARDER to KEEP!

For me, I can still be all GROWN UP and at the same time  acted like a kid, cause i know which situations to applied myself in. Some people i knew claimed they're all grown up, college educated and such, yet they acted like an infant.  They can't even performed basic etiquette , can't even have some common decencies toward their friends. Now tell me, if I'm an immature 30 years old still know how to treats and take cares of my friends, yet i have to tell a college educated person how to acts and treats his friends, who's a GROWN UP now huh? ;-P

Just Because

Just because I enjoy travel, clubbing, and a labels whore. 
Yeah, I said it, labels whore. 
Doesn’t mean I am pretentious.
When i break down and cry on an upsetting situation, 

Does it meant that I'm feminine, flaming drama queen?
If it's, So what? You got a problem with that? 

People asked why should I cared so much about you?
I replied that's what FRIEND is for.
Did I mention I am scared to be alone? 
Am I confusing anyone yet? 
I am only human and a messed up one too. 

I am never tried to be perfect like some
I am always trying to please someone. 
You do not know what I go through. 
Let me tell you it is not fun going down on a one way street. 
 
You will say anything to get a cheap thrill out of me. 
I do not think you understand. 
It is like you are looking for a gentle heart to kill. 

Being burned for good intentions is hard to recover,
So please think before you speak, your kindness is genuine, and truly neat!

Forgiveness

Hmm... Where should i start with this topic? 

Watching the Democratic' party Presidential nomination for the 1st African American running for President, Barack Obama (hes's actually 1/2 black and 1/2 white, but people often assumed he's black) is what on everyone minds. However, if you're from Chicago like i do, everyone know how's the Major of Chicago does not get along with the Governor of Illinois. But something extra ordinary happen, as the news caster commented and in shocked, because most news casters in IL has been covered those two argued   and butted heads over the years, those two guys hugged and made up in public, on televisions. They've put their differences aside, and finally forgave each others.  

Let's start with Jason, he was my best friend since 1999, he was also my roommate for almost 3 years. We shared everything together, the good times and of course the worst of times. When he lost his job, i was there to comfort him ( although i lost my job the day before he was, he was NEVER there to comfort me). When many of his illegal immigrants boyfriends cheated on him, broke into our house and steal our stuffs, i was there for him. When he had financial problems due to spending all his money on his illegal immigrant boyfriends, i was there to covered for the utilities that heated and warm us during cold winter months.  i usually let it go because i thought that was what friendship meant between me and him. However, after many times he did me wrong by sleeping with my ex boyfriends after i just dumped or being dumped by them,  or how i asked money from him to cover for the utilities and he yelled at me for making him paying the utilities, since he had no money left because he spent $2000 on gift for his illegal immigrant boyfriends. To me, I'm NO WHERE compared to his tricks, but i regarded him as the best of friend anyone can asked for.  I finally had enough of Jason, after nasty fights and back and forth emails bitching, i moved out and have not spoke to Jason since 2004. My forgiveness for him had wore off a long time ago.  I do not think our friendship will ever be amend. 

I know arguments and differences can be work out, and if someone tried to hurt you once, or used your generosity for their advantage,  or mistrusted you, how often do you supposed to FORGIVE them? the shitty things that i let people i called friends do to me, sometime are unspeakable ( I had a friend who made me signed a legal lease contract which he MISS SPELLED my name on a horrible printed documents, so he can sell the condo for a higher price) but i forgave them. BECAUSE THEY'RE MY FRIENDS (or at least that was what they made me believed). 

But how do you FORGIVE someone if you just met them? trusting them as, treating the as closed friend, yet they BETRAYED you, USED you for what it worth, and if things doesn't goes their ways, you're no longer a friend? How do you supposed to forgive someone like that?  

Something for me to think about and work on it...

BETRAYAL

I was reading one of those gossip's magazines this afternoon while sipping on my pineapple juice (i'll tell you about it later or you could Google it and find out yourself, hehehe) and i came across this magazine with a huge headline " Jamie Lynn Spear BETRAYED" (Britney's lil' sister fiance cheated on her with another woman! 'gasp!!!' )  

How often do i feel that i was being BETRAYED by my lovers? my friends? my coworkers? or anyone else who are matter to me the most, yet they BETRAYED me???

When i was manager for a bank a few years back, all of my staffs knew what it take to make the our branch run like clock works, and what it take to make our customers TRUSTED us. For my part, i wanted to make sure that my staffs also well taken care of, because i know most of them are underpaid, but that wasn't my decision to made, but i did try whatever possible ways to make them stay loyal to my branch and doesn't do anythings stupid of sort.  Yet, i can't expected everyone to be perfect. When i entrusted some of my staffs with codes and keys to the branch vault, counting and shipping out hundred of thousand dollars every week when the vault are overflown with cash.  Or accounts of customers, i EXPECTED them to be very loyal to my branch and not talked about our customer's finances.  That was a tremendous trust my company given to me, and i passed that TRUST along to my staffs.  I had numerous employees handcuffed and taken away by police because they had betrayed my trust in them, by switching $10 bills in the $100 bills stacks while counting money in the vault, or created bogus checking and saving accounts to funnel customer's money into their account to withdraw, or cashed bogus checks for their friends without proper verifications.  For them, they're being punished by laws, reported by the nightly news to make sure everyone knew about their stupid deeds, and will never ever have any similar jobs in the banking or finance industry. 

But how do you remedy if your friends or someone closed to you BETRAYED your TRUST in them??? When a casual friend of mine does me wrong, I often shut that person out by cut off all contact with them.  As if they were never really exist.  How about someone closer than just a casual friend? someone you ENTRUSTED with everything, someone you have shared your personal space with? your happy times together? your bad or bitchy time with? someone that you'll drop everything you're doing at the moment to make sure that he's OK? and yet he BETRAYED your love and your TRUST for him?  Should i shut them out like they way i treated my employees or my casual acquaintances? 

What do you really get out of when you BETRAYED the person that cared about you the most? 

I really want to know the answer... but will i get one?

How do you defined Trust?

Lately, i have too much free times on my hand, which prompted me to start evaluating about myself, the GOOD, the Bad and the Ugly side of me, one issue at a time. This time, i'm having some rough time with TRUST, how do you earned someone TRUST? and how do I make sure someone can TRUST me?

When I was visiting Taipei for the first time back in Jan/Feb of 2008, I have never met my friend Andy, which I've been chatting online for the past couple of years. Andy used to live in Chicago, he told me he had ran into me in Boystown a couple of times before, but i don't recalled ever meeting him in person. When I arrived at TaoYuan international airport at about 10pm, i followed the printed out directions Andy gave me to go to the bus station, which bus to get on, and when i was at the main station, which taxi i should take and how much i should pay them as he instructed in the print out. I got to the front desk of his building, and the door man, who was already expecting me to arrived, gave me an envelop that has keys and a cell phone that Andy had left for me. As i got up to his condo, someone that i have never met before, and i'm a stranger in someone's house, only to find he's still out having dinner with his friends and i was left all alone in his place. That was a TREMENDOUS TRUST someone has bestowed on me, it was also a TREMENDOUS TRUST that i took on someone I have never met, to go 1/2 way around the world to visit. It's amazing and unbelievable that the amount of faith, and chance you placed on a friend can changed the way we interact with other.

I always give the people i met or interacted with a benefit of a doubt, i always believe in the GOOD side of them, and if that person is my friend, he usually has my trust and Vice versa. I'm not saying I'm a saint or anything like that, when i was a banker back then, they did a good job of taught me how to profiled customers. If a customer came in for a loan and start making up stories about their financial background instead of tell me the truth so i can trust them, work with them and help them with their problems. I can easily tell right away that he's bluffing because even before me mutter a word, i already had his financial report generated by the credit agencies in front of my computer screen. Or when a customer came in and asked for his over drafted fees to be reverse because the gay bath house he frequently go there days after days, and weeks after weeks accidentally charged him when he's not even there. Yet when i called up the manager of that bath house to investigate the transaction, it showed he was on taped paying for that transaction with our bank card. For those people, they're getting NOTHING from me. For them, they HAVE TO EARN MY TRUST.

Yet, FOR MY FRIENDS, they ALREADY HAVE MY TRUST the moment i considered them as friend, they DO NOT have to earned it from me. HOWEVER, i feel like i DO HAVE TO EARNED IT from them, which i don't mind, because I know not everything operate like me. When it come to friends or personal relationships, it's easier to turned a blind eye to a friend who had loss your TRUST. Because for me, I always have good faith in my friends, for better and worst right? It's not easy to become friend with someone, and it's HARDER to keep someone you cherish as a friend. That's why for me, TRUST was in place as a building block to a better friendship. If someone knocked that out, what's there left for a good friendship to be rely on? But HOW MUCH MISTRUST can you take from a friend before you completely shut that person out?

So can we TRUST each other?
I'm an Optimistic, i hope so! ;-)

How do you defined Happiness?

HAPPINESS, i wouldn't mind some of that for myself!

I have been asking myself that question for quite some time now. What does it take to make me really HAPPY? 

The amount of friends i have?

The amount of money that i have? (right now, i don't think i have that much left)

The kind of job that i hold? (Which sadly to say, i don't have one at the moment)

The love, trust, and respect that my friends have for me?

Or do i have to be in a relationship to be HAPPY?

I'm pretty sure HAPPINESS mean totally different to you or to the John Doe right next you.  To some people, they have to worked really hard to reach that HAPPY place.  Why can't HAPPINESS be copy cat or in someone else shadow? If that's making their life a bit easier, should they not entitled to be as HAPPY as one can be??? 

To me, hanging out with a good friend, that's HAPPINESS right there. Bonding with a close friend over lunch, shopping, see a movie, work out in the park or just relax at home chatting on MSN messenger with them, that make me HAPPY right there. To be HAPPY, for me, it can come to me so easily. The SIMPLEST gesture can bring so much joy and Happiness to me.  

Unlike other people that i have known, for them to be HAPPY, they have to find their own path, can't be in anyone's else shadow, or have to achieved a certain status in society, or have to make a huge pile of money just to be HAPPY? By the time they get there, I'm not sure if they have any of their friends left to share it with them. If they defined HAPPINESS as being alone by themselves, by all means, get to SHARPER IMAGE right away and bought up all those vibrators before the they closed the store for good. 

Will you share some of your HAPPINESS with me?

I'm an optimistic, if you're a friend of mine, i know YOU WILL  ;-)

How "out" are you?

My mom is visiting me for a couple days this week, she was asking me how's my friend from Taipei is doing? is he still in Chicago? and how was Market Days with my other friends went? did i took Chris to Argyle/Broadway area to have some Vietnamese's food? on and on...

Of course she knew all of my friends are gay, but the way she carried on the conversation with me, it seem nothing out of the ordinary. This is coming from a traditional Vietnamese woman, yet her mind is not as traditional as one might think. For me, it's amazing to see my mom openly talked about my gay friends and I, sometime i really do forget that I'm opened up about my "other" side of life to her. Not a lot gaysians i know talked or shared about their life's with their parents.

In a traditional asian family, if you're a boy, and for me i was the 1st born son, so I'm expected to have a good job, become a doctor, engineer or something like that, get marry to a nice girl, and produce them 2 grand children, 1 boy and 1 girl. That was what my parents are expecting from me.  However, i failed to meet the typical Asian's society standard. I'm GAY and I'm OUT, not sure about the "proud" part yet though...

i been "out" to the gay scene 10 years ago, but as far as "out" and admitted to my family that I'm gay, it was about 5 years ago. Although my mom, dad and my sister already knew it since i was in my teen. They just preferred the "Don't asked, don't tell" policy. When i was hanging out in my group of friends, they were very "out" and yet, all of them were closeted to their families.  I was the 1st in my group of supposedly "out and proud" friends to tell my family that i'm gay, and surprisingly, my family were very acceptance of me. My mom was like... i don't care what you're as long as you still give me a couple of grand children, i'll be "OK".  So i bribed them with 2 chihuahuas for now, black one is Lucky, white one is Coco. So now you know! hahaha

My mom can be very involves into my personal life as much as any other moms involved in their children's life.  She make sure i take good care of myself, make sure i eat right, make sure i exercised plenty because she know how cruel gay boys can be! "Kevin, don't eat too much, you're getting fat! that's not gonna look good, and no boys like a FAT gay boy!!!!"  Can you believe that coming out of my mother mouth?!? I'm still very shocked and still find it funny to this day that she know how shallow gay's life can be.

As much as she very willingly to accept me, there will still be part of her that a little "ashamed" of me.  When we were vacationing in Vietnam back in October together, before we landed in Vietnam, she asked me not to be so "obvious" because she doesn't want to "lose face" with her families and friends.  

Living in Boystown area of Chicago (Lake View), I'm right in the smacking middle of all the gayness, you can be as gay and flamboyant as one can get. Trannies, cross dressers, men in leather gears, boys in daisy duke short, you named it, they're all here. Guys walking down the street holding hand kissing, and lesbians with their babies in stroller, walked down street just like any other conventional proud parent's showing off their kids. At the supermarket, it's OK to check out the guys and say "Hi" and get his numbers, or if ones desired some fun, there is the local STEAMWORK right on Halsted street with the giant rainbow column in front of the building. 

The reason my mom asked me not to be too "obvious" because Ho Chi Minh city is NOT Boystown, and she was trying to protect me.  There are a sizable gay populations in Vietnam, however, most clubs that they frequently visited are not gay! it's gay for pay!  Gay is still considered taboo Vietnam, pretty much in sync with the rest of Asia.  I finally understood what she meant by not too "obvious". I remembered one night i was going out with a group of friends to this really hip club, LUSH.  A lot of gays, Europeans, Vietnamese American aka Viet Kieu and American Expat. go there.  In my group we had 1 girl and 3 guys, so my female friend and her guy's friend went in first, while i was waiting outside for my other guy friend to finished buying cigarette. As we about to entered, the uniformed guard stopped us, saying "NO 2 guys can go in together," he even said out right that "gay can't come in tonight!" Apparently, tonight they had a pretty decent straight crowd turn out, so there's no need for the GAY to be here tonight.

I have never been so humiliated in public like that, but then again, i considered myself very lucky to have the support from my mom and my sister. I heard of stories where a lot of guys who were not only disowned by their families but also being discriminated by society as well.  I don't know how "out" I am right now, but I think I'm very comfortable in my skin to say that I do prefer the company of men, for now.

So, how OUT are you?

How do you deal with Stubbornness?

Let's just say this weekend Saturday, i had quite a scary, crazy weekend!

I had promised my friend that i wont tell anyone about our little ( to me it was quite big) incident happened last night, but when i thought about it, everything happened at that moment could have been easily fix with a simple apology, and let by gone be by gone. However, as human beings, we tends to have our pride, refusing to bow down to defeat, stick to our own believes and intuition, held our ground to the last man standing, even know sometime a difficult situation can be fix with a simple word. Yet, we will NOT give in!

That's call STUBBORN.

I have to admit, I'm one of the most stubborn person in my family, I'm a combo of my parents' stubbornness. I think that's where i get my stubbornness from.  When ever we had a fall out in my family, and sometime I'm wrong, and sometime I'm right, OFTEN wrong!  i was so stubborn, i will not apologizes because i "believe" that my ways is the "right" ways and why should i? i have my principals to upheld, right? I remembered back in my late teens, early 20's, i was going out a lot, even know was doing fine in school (um...i'm asian, i can study and party hard @ the same time) my parents told me i can't go out late anymore, my curfew was midnight. At that time, i didn't see their point of views, so i rebel, and stuck to my own schedules and do whatever i wanted. They retaliated by cutting me off financially and barricaded the doors if I was home after midnight.  I was so stubborn, i held out this little war with my parents for the whole semester, my grades ended up slipping and i had to drop 2 of the classes.  When i reflect on it now, that some how seem so stupid and such a waste of  energy, my parents was on a look out for me, they want to make sure I'm doing good. Instead of communicated more effectively with them, and get my ways around them, i was being rebellious  and stubborn, because what i thought was right, and I'm my own person, they have no right to tell me what to do!

Stubbornness will does more harm then help. Yea, it will help you look tough, but your face will be bruises.

Stubbornness will help your pride, but you'll STILL HAVE TO go ask someone else to solve the same problem for you.

That's why sometime it's better to accept defeat, apologize for the situation that was involved and move on. Look at Japan, they were so stubborn on wanting to be the martyr of Asia, so we bombed the shit out of them, and finally they swallowed their pride and admitted defeat. Look at Japan now, one would never thought that the proud nation like Japan, were once surrendered, because they know how to cut their losses and move on to be come the top powerhouse in Asia today.

Hopefully we should be more compromise, and less stubborn.

I'm an Optimistic, i hope so too.

How do you deal with Loneliness?

I witness a grown man cried today, which i haven't seen in awhile. His life partner just passed away 2 weeks ago due to lung cancer.  "We always do things together, and he won't be here with me anymore!" as he was telling his story, he tried to seek comfort and solace from the people who sat next to him, but I'm not sure if he knew them or not.

American's culture is know for independent, most of us can't wait to be independence and move out of our parent's house once we turned 18. As for me, i was cling onto my family until i was 23! Maybe it's because I'm Asian? or maybe it's because my preference to be depend on the people i knows, the thought of being alone in the world is horrid to me!

That's why i was never really a loner, i can't stand being alone, when i 1st moved out of my parent's house, i was immediately living with a friend. I am always amaze by people who can just be by themselves, how do they do it?

are there such a thing as true loner?

one of the friend i knew in the past, he said he love traveling alone, in Europe, Asia, and USA. He told me, oh it's so much fun to be by yourself in a strange city. Yet every time he was planning to go on a trip somewhere, he was always invited and begged me to come along!?! That's what i don't get, 'Why does people claimed to be a loner, and yet they needed other people companionship?'  I also talked to one of my other friend today, she been alone, living alone since she was 18, she said she like it a lot, but at the same time, she felt very lonely. Sometime she wishes that someone would just do stuff with her, but @ the same time, she's unwilling to let someone in her personal space because she's just got so used to being alone. Most of her friends who knew her for a long time, usually reacted the same way, they left her alone most of the time since they know that she like to be by herself. 

i hate doing things alone, i always try to do everything, if possible, with a friend or 2.  i didn't even travelled by myself for the 1st time until last year. I hated it!!!  and i make sure that all my friends knew about it too! What's the joy of exploring a different place? a city? all by yourself and have no one to share your experiences with? are you that selfish and conceded that you only want to enjoy something good all to yourself only? and if something bad happened to you, that's when you need your friends??? that's when you wish you have friends to help you out? 

I do respect that some people like to be alone, that's when they get their thoughts together, but i hate it when someone acting all "tough" with the attitude like " I don't need you, i can do it by myself" and yet they always wanted me to make myself available at their disposal when it's convenience for them. 

That's not a sign of a good friendship. 

That's not how one's should deal with being lonely.

Got S.E.X? and why does everything has to be revolved around it?

To answer that question myself, i have to say, Yeah, i did, and it was about time! 

I have no shame of admitting it! and why should i??? However, that was with a regular "special friend" ( i  hope you all do have at least one or two of those "special friends" when we needs their services).

But why does everything has to be revolved around S.E.X?!? 

A month ago, i was invited by a friend from aboard to visit his country, i met him in person when i was vacation in Vietnam, and we got a long great. So i thought, yeah, why not, i had fun hanging out with him, he's a great guy, i do missed doing fun things with him such as eating out, sight seeing, and clubbing. He offered to pay for my flight to his country, however, there was a deal breaker, I HAVE TO SLEEP (SEX) with him!!!  I don't denied that we did have some "fun" last time when we met in Vietnam, but to me that was just an extra icing on the cake.  It happened because we clicked on all levels while we was hanging out. 

However, when someone is FORCING me, or making me "put out" because he's doing something favorable to me, while I considered him as a really good friend of mine, then that person is NOT a friend of mine anymore!

I know all men are dogs, and we think with our dicks 24hrs/day, but to me, there are far more important values to a friendship than just SEX. Such as companionship, the thought that your friends will be there when you are down, backing you up if anything go against your way, on and on...

That's why when i like someone as a friend, or whatever may come of it, i NEVER afraid to admitted to him right away that i like him a lot, and i care for him a lot. Because FRIENDSHIP is like an investment, you put a lot of cares, nurtures, and communications into it and let it grow to whatever it may become.  I get really pissed off when someone who i think are my friends, and vice versa, used sex as a leverage!  I DONT do that!!! why would i invested my times, energy, money, thoughts, emotions,  caring about someone who i thought as friend, and because his dick or my dick got hard for that second, and fucked it up what we have built so far??? 

That's the job of your "special friend" or should i blatantly said it out loud as that's the job of your F*CK BUDDY!!! I know we all have at least one, two, three or even more... When you get your urges, you go to them, have your "NO STRING ATTACH" fun with them and that's it! You leave the people you cared as FRIENDS out of that mess! i GOT so paranoid one time when i was hanging out with a new friend i just met, we hung out a couple times, and got a long great, then i got introduced to his friend and over heard him asking my new friend " have you had sex with Kevin yet?"  I was FLOOR!!!

The last thing i wanted to be is one of those old dudes in their late 50s' or 60s' without any friends, all by themselves, lurking all alone in night clubs after night clubs searching for someone who give a sh*t about them. Nor i want to be one of those old farts hanging out with a bunch of Juveniles and pay for their drinks or whatever to get something in return from them.

I would rather f*ck with a "special friend" or in a worst possible situation that my cock about to explode and i need a service of that fancy male companionship in one of those Boi magazines, i can have it taken care of right away, HERE IN CHICAGO,  for about $250 or whatever the price is. I DON'T have to whip out my passport to fly 1/2 way around the world or have someone fly in here from god know where, or wasted my times, energy, and a lot of money  just to have some S.E.X with people i considered as FRIENDS. 

So hopefully, everything doesn't have to be revolved around S.E.X

I'm an Optimistic, i hope so too!

Do you believe in Magic?

One of my friend asked me today, "Do you believe Gennie? Do you believe in Magic?" he asked. Long continuous his babbling "Man, you know what I'm talking about, sometime you just wish that you have a better life, and make your problems or troubles goes away"  

Then it got me thinking, do I really wish that i have a better life? better friends? better job? and have the Genie make any dramas in my life go away. 

At the same time, on my MSN window messenger, i saw a friend just signed in which i haven't chat with a while, i greeted him. He told me he been very uncomfortable lately, he found out that he infected back in Jan. 2008, but he been refusing to take any medications that the doctor recommended, because he doesn't want to keep up the regimen of daily medications, and also how much it will cost him.  

I told him, some how, my problems that I'm having lately with my friends seem minuet compared to his problem.  He told me "Health is the most important thing, BUT IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME TO SAY IT NOW" 

my eyes welled up a bit, thinking inside my head " i wish i have a genie right now" He's a good guy, friendly, lovable, always smiling, and is it too late for a wish right now?

Do you believe in MAGIC?

I'm an optimistic, so i do!

My drama saga with Chris

How do i put this relationship that i HAD with one of my friends that i considered as my best friend, Chris?

Maybe it's only me thinking that he's my best friend, i have the habit of thinking only one sided. I never really see what other people point of view about me until their actions proved it to me of how they really think of me.

Chris was supposed to be here for Market Days, him and I were phoned and texted each other countless time since June, which he was supposed to be here to "visit" me. But i doubted that he only wanted to "visit" me alone, he has his other "friends" here that really meant to visit.  Since he couldn't come here in June, i was very eager and excite to see him again, the fun we had when we hung out at all those gay clubs on Halsted street, eating in Vietnam town on Argyle/Broadway street, of course laying at the beach by my house is fun, and guys watching on Michigan Ave. is a must!

Thursday evening was when Chris arrived, while i was eating at a restaurant with my other friends, Chris and I was texting back and forth, he was contemplating if he want to go out right away or go change, or should he stay at my place or Shawn's new condo. To me, that's about getting on my last nerve. Noe and I been preparing and ready for him all week, we were so excited to see him, and yet, he didn't even care to think about us. While was eating dinner, Shawn told me that Chris had made plan with other friend to go shopping and sight seeing, and yet we weren't invited?!? what kind of friendship is that???  Chris wanted to do what convenience for him, what more fun for him, what doesn't cost him the most money.  Anything else, it's @ my expense! Trying to finish dinner early, so i can rush home and wait for Chris, and he NEVER show up!!!

What kind of friendship is that???

I have never met Chris during Market days, it was all of my decision.

I just got really fed up with him, because that was not the 1st time he pulled something like that to me and my other friend, so i decided to block him out of my life.  i had a talk with my sister, and she said that i need to cut my loss, let go of people who i considered as FRIENDS, but to them, i'm nothing more than just someone they use for their convenience.

i knew Chris for 8 years. such a sad ending.

I'm an optimistic, will time heal AGAIN for me and chris?!?

My 1st blog

Hi All,

Umm... Where to start? After watching the Women gymnast Olympic game, btw Nastia Liukin won the Gold medal for USA, I got insanely BORED mixed with a very depressing and emotional day that i had earlier, so i guess i'll join my fellow bloggers to start pumping out thoughts on my head, instead of venting it over and over at my friends.

Earlier this month, i had invited a friend from Taipei to stay with me for a month, he picked Chicago to be his summer vacation. I met Rob from an online gay website back in March while i was still vacation in Vietnam, we chatted a couple of times online, and got along very well. However, i didn't know Rob that well, our conversations mostly "hello" or "how's school/work" and yet, for some reason, i was really drawn into him. I guess you can say i like him.  After found out that he will be in Chicago for vacation, i thought this would be a great chance for me to get to know someone i like better in person. Rob asked me to helped him checked out hotels and hostel where he can possible stay while he's in Chicago, and since I'm from Chicago, i was gladly offered to help.  When I reported back to Rob about the hostel he had picked out for his stay in Chicago, it seem like it was kinda over the budget that he wishes to spend. I don't know what got into me @ that moment, without hesitation, i offered him to stay @ my place. 

What was i thinking??? i have never met this kid before, i don't know anything about him, and yet I'm willing to share my personal space with a total stranger. I had friends, lovers stayed over at my place before, but often not longer than just a weekend. I'm not in love with this person, I'm not even sure what i want from this person, all i know is i really LIKE him, maybe because of his smile? because we connected online for the past few months we been chatting? or because i was so interested in his personal life? i don't know, but my instinct told me that i want to be friend with him and closer to him? or is it because i was LONELY?

Rob stay @ my place since July 29th, from the moment i picked him up @ O'hare airport, i don't know why i had this instinct to protect him from harm, or is that i just don't want to share him to anyone else? The 1st week Rob was at my place, i tried everything to make sure he's comfortable, and also reassured him that he feel free to do anything he want or please. Everyday, i tried to make sure he's entertained, i was so happy just to join him for a walk downtown, showing him Grant Park, Magnificent mile, Chicago's river and other touristy places. Those are things i wanted to show him.  I didn't even bothered to asked him if he wanted to do anything by himself, i guess i was being overly involved.  I cooked for him, I cleaned for him, i even make sure he know which coffee shop to go where he can write his blog/journal (that's his hobby). 

The 2nd week of August was Market Days, which is a 3 days street festival in Lake View aka boystown. i also had 3 other friends from NYC and Philly to visit me that weekend.  1 more friend from Kansas (Chris) supposed to stay with me for Market day, but because of his indecisiveness of where he wanted to stay, me and Chris got into a little drama of our own, and I decided it's better that Chris not staying with me, and i haven't spoke to him since. It was my choice to not waste any more time with Chris.

I had spent a lot of money and preparation for the arrival of my friends, i don't really want to prove anything but just wanted my friends to enjoy their stay with me.  i did what everyone wanted to do, however, it can get tiring and draining on me since everyone else is having their fun, and yet no one wanted to do what i want to do. for that reason, Rob and I had a misunderstanding, but i decided not to say anything to him while he's still having a great time with my friends. so i decided to give him the silent treatment. 

Monday was when all my friends had left, Noe, Rob and I went to see Batman's the Dark Knight, yet i'm still giving Rob the silent treatment.

Finally on Tuesday, we had our talk, making amend, and trying to be friend again. I really hate drama, cause it drawn so much out of me, and i hate to make myself or anyone unhappy. to me that just take more out of me than putting on a smiley face. Yet drama always follow me, and it undoubtedly will be part of me, what can i say, i'm gay!

Wednesday night, the big DRAMA unfold! after doing our laundry, i was in a playful mood with Rob, and for the first time since he was here, i actually cuddled him, although i can feel that he was very uneasy with it, and as if i was forcing him to cuddle with me. However, when we were watching "I'm Legend" he clenched my hand during those "scary" moments like a little girl, for some reason, i felt so good that I'm some what being wanted right there in that moment. After finished the movie, we both went online to do our own thing, he was blogging in the dining room, i was checking out stuff online in my bedroom, that's when i stumble onto his blog, it was all in Chinese.

My nature as a curious cat, i was looking and checking out his blog, although i don't read much Chinese, but i did stumble on a couple of blogs where he had mention my roommate Noe, and my other friends from NYC and Philly. I was NO WHERE in his blog. Since the day he arrived here until now, i was NEVER ever mentioned ONCE in his blog, not even a name of mine, yet on the blog dated 8/12/2008 i had a hunched that is not gonna be good thing, because it has a password lock on it.  

After playing around with his blog and got some friends to translate what he wrote on that blog, now i know how Rob felt about me the the past 17 days that he lived with me.

Annoying

Fake

Needy

Busybody

Bothersome

Who the fuck am i to tell him what to do? 

Nosy

And yet those words doesn't bothered me as much, the thing that bothered me the most is the TRUST i had for him, i trusted him enough to let him into my house, i trusted him enough to let him keep the key to the safe, i trusted him in our conversations that we had about how if we have a misunderstanding again, we should talked it out to each other. Yet he betrayed my trust in him, instead of telling me what he really felt about me, he blog it on there, bitching about me on the blog, painting me to be this monster jerk. 

I NEVER asked Rob to thanks me for the things i did for him, i only asked that him, a college educated person, whom i assumed is a very smart guy, have some what of an understanding on how to be courteous and have a common decency to people who cared about him. THAT WAS ALL i'm asking from him. 

To me, friendship is a 2 ways street, regardless of what my intended or motive, i will always considered Rob as a friend. That was why i did those things for him, wanted to get involved with his activities while he's vacation in Chicago, which he considered my involvement as annoying.  However, i can't just give give give and don't get anything back in return. I'm not asking for $$$, i'm not asking for his sexual acts, all i'm asking for is his kindness, care and genuine friendship, even if that's 1/3 of what he willing to put out, i'm still happy with that.  If I'm this big of a jerk, then where was his friends, which he has 2 high school friends that lives here in Chicago, to pick him up from the airport? where was his friends to let him lodge at their place? where was his friends to drove him around town, showing him all the places that he considered to be boring? where was his friends who willingly cook and clean for him? I did not see any of them did that for him for the duration that he stayed here but me. 

After confronting him with the blog he wrote about me, i just break down.  I couldn't take it anymore, it was like the final straw that break the camel's back. Even knew i promised Rob that he can stay at my place for a whole month, and i usually kept my promises that i made, i couldn't bring myself to be in the same room with someone who i considered as friend, and yet to him, i'm nothing but a nuisance.  

August 14th, Rob and I was in the exact same out fit that i picked him up at the airport, i drove Rob to Union Station, as i drop him off, my car stereo system was playing One Republic's "Too late to Apologize" 

Would that be the end of our friendship??? 

I'm an Optimistic that time will heal, but will it???